***UPDATE!!!*** It’s paid off! It’s paid off! I just checked my balance and it is now mysteriously ZERO! Yesterday it was $250! (I have a sneaking suspicion about that one…could I possibly be right?)
Thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU! To every single person who has made this possible for me! ***I love you all!***
Amen brother.
Let me tell you all a story. Gosh…I think it’s the story of my life. some of it. so far. (P.S. I’m listening to Explosions in the Sky’s third album, The Earth Is Not A Cold Dead Place. It’s a mighty nice soundtrack to go along with writing this. Wanna listen?)
When I was little, I remember wanting to be a couple things when I grew up, just like you. What were they, you ask? Why, a Native American Indian or a Pioneer-Settler, of course! While we’re at it, let’s add that bad ass chick Karana, from Island of the Blue Dolphins, and her bad ass wild dog friend, Rontu. I remember vividly my repeated pretend play outside: I lived in the forest by myself, sometimes with my brothers and sisters, and had to go collect water, leaves and berries every day to survive. And of course, flowers to decorate my rustic log cabin. So anyway, when I grew up and got to college and everyone offered the advice of, “Think back to what you wanted to be when you were little,” my career aspirations didn’t help me much.
I was a very insecure child, teenager and young adult throughout my 20’s. I was very lost. I didn’t know who I was. Do I now? Do any of us? Well, I see and know a-whole-freagin-lot more than I did 5 years ago. God/the universe/life nearly killed me. Have you ever heard the quote, “Sometimes in life, your situation will keep repeating itself until you learn your lesson.” Oooooooh! Whaddya know – I just googled it and it’s the 10th law of karma: The essence of this law states that “history repeats itself until we learn the lessons that we need to change our path.” So yeah, God/the universe/life nearly killed me by bashing my head against the same horrible experience. But I’ve learned some pretty good lessons. And I am trying to live out of them right now. In that way life right now is incredibly new and unique for me, because these lessons are freshly learned. Very new and never worn and lived out of…before now.
When I was young, I had eczema, a skin disorder. I think it’s an auto-immune thing. I’ve grown out of it, for the most part, though I may always have sensitive skin. But when I was little, it was pretty bad, and I don’t have any memories without it. In my very first memories, I was in shame. I was embarrassed. I was different. I was ugly. I wasn’t like everyone else. I was grosser than everyone else. And I would always be this way – this was who I am. I let it define me. I thought I was the runt of the litter, because I also lucked out with big ears and a birthmark. I don’t give a rats ass about them now, but I’ll be darned if I didn’t always cock my head to the left so my hair would hang over the side of my face with the birthmark. I was constantly trying to hide. Hide my face. Hide my legs. This kinda thing doesn’t stay isolated – it translates to your whole self, you’re whole life. Shame. I lived in shame and didn’t realize how much. I was trying to hide my very core, so afraid that if people saw how ugly it was, I would never be loved. I was doomed. And this was the subconscious nebulae that existed in me, that a person is formed from. There’s plenty more than just what I mentioned here, that goes into my shame and the dysfunction I live with. But this info will suffice.
In my last therapy session… And really, who’s NOT in therapy? Oh you? You should be in therapy. You can go to mine. She might be the best in the world. I’ve referred gazillions of people to her, and all votes are in. She’s the best. Hit me up if you need one. She’s worth the drive. So anyway, in my last therapy session, I said I felt trapped blah blah blah. She says, “That word ‘trapped’ sounds like it’s coming from a little girl.” I sat in silence, just seeing if what she said meant anything. My eyes were already closed because we were doing some sort of exercise. Moments passed, and she was about to move on when she saw me flinch. –Oh people, I am not a cryer. In fact, I need to cry more. I wish I COULD, but I can’t very easily. Once, I stabbed myself in the hand, on accident, when I was trying to dig the stem out of an apple. There was a lot going on in life, lots of pain, but being that I don’t cry much…it all stayed inside of me. Holy shit. I cried for so long and so hard. And not because my hand hurt. It was just a release, and once the floodgates opened due to a knife going an inch deep into the tissue between my thumb and my pointer finger, my soul was able to cry out its pains too. It was such a relief. It felt so good to cry it out. i probably felt like I lost 500 pounds. It was the best day of the summer. Hah! The funny thing is, I’m so serious. So anyway, back to therapy, she saw me flinch. — “What’s that?” she asked. And, it’s hard to describe, but, my chest cavity was replaced with that of a tiny girl who felt sad and alone, less than human, unloved, and who had a rash. The same little girl who had a clear vision of how her life would go: the following was a repeated “knowledge” she had, or daydream if you will. One day a boy would fall in love with her when she was grown, and ask her to marry him. But she always wore pants, because she was hiding. She could trick the world into thinking she wasn’t less than human, but only if she could hide the disgustingness on her legs. The boy never saw her legs. She couldn’t possibly trick him any longer and only show him on their wedding night. So she showed him her rash, and he said to her, “Thank you for showing me that before you said yes. We can’t get married.” And he walked away. She was devastated, but she understood. That’s why she showed him, after all; she figured as much.
This was my lot in life, I deeply believed as a child. This sort of belief, and others like it, were part of the nebulae of hopelessness and despair I was formed in, the cloud of particles and dust that are slowly pulled together by the gravity of time and experience, forming a person. We were all formed in our own nebulae, and that was one aspect of mine.
Back in Cynthia’s office, that flinch she saw on my face soon became a torrent of tears and gasps. And dammit! I don’t cry. But I couldn’t catch my breath. And when I finally did, and calmed down, she asked me to help her understand what just happened. The words inside me were, “I Never Felt Like I Had Any Options.” The script of my life was written. I wouldn’t be loved. So I wouldn’t get happiness. I was definitely less than everyone else. There was no point to have dreams for life. I didn’t dream of life or my future. Ever. Cynthia reminded me of my strengths and progress, and simply said, “I know you have it in you to figure out what options you DO indeed have.” The morning after this session is when I emailed SROM. But that doesn’t make sense to you yet. You just have to read on.
So, you know that first paragraph I wrote? Those things should have been indicators to me of my authentic self’s interests and passions. You know, after high school I landed in a perfect place for me, a place that was really aligned with my core and my desires. Humboldt State University. Beautiful Humboldt County. Redwoods. Ocean. Amazing! Outdoorsey people. Hikers. Campers. Backpackers. But I was too insecure. And my story was written. I wasn’t like them, as much as I wanted to be them. I was less than them. And I cowered. – “Them.” – It was no one specific, just the idea of the happy, brave and adventurous outdoorsey wilderness lover and explorer.
I had an intense and life-changing experience of God and his immense love in the redwoods that year. A very real and authentic experience. It was pivotal. I had been feeling depressed for a while, and a boy from the dorm next door who I had a huge crush on, had just died in a motorcycle accident 11 days earlier. I walked into the woods incredibly depressed, not knowing what to do with my life. I walked out of the woods feeling brand new. Happy and light. And hopeful. I was known, and seen, and loved. AND, I realized that I wanted to work at an Outdoor Science Camp! I walked out of those woods knowing one thing I was interested in, that I could do with my life and be happy doing. At the time, I was pretty agnostic, and had all sorts of ideas about reincarnation and maybe there’s no God, etc, etc. This experience made me believe not only is there an immense Being of Love, but also, it’s personal. Within months I was the most gung ho Catholic you had ever met (unless you went to Steubenville. I was on the lower tier of gung-ho-ness there. Thanks be to God. Mine was bad enough.) Don’t misunderstand me you Christ lovers! I love Logos too. I can admit that I love Logos, and the amazing, massively mysterious Being who is the Creator. But yeah, I have to admit, I am bitter at Catholicism, or my experience of it anyway. Let me explain.
My experience of God in the redwoods that day was very authentic. It was amazing. But the faith that ensued was hijacked by my woundedness. I left the woods that day, after my experience with God, knowing what I wanted to do. But instead, I latched onto my new found faith to be a safety net, another mask to hide behind. And I kept hiding from my life. It was very subconscious, and I didn’t know I was doing it. The fault is mine and not God’s. Not the Church’s. But it’s a damn shame. Here I am, weeks before my 32nd birthday, and just starting to move in the direction of the realm of Outdoor Experience/Education. The farm was my first step in the right direction. Thank God for Green Edge Gardens – how I love you!
During my 20’s I studied Theology and went back for a Master’s that I paid for but never even finished because I finally realized I didn’t want to do it – whatever “it” even was. Teach, do Youth Ministry, become a nun. I don’t even know what my logic was in my 20’s. Holy hell. The logic of the lost and confused. And the logic of the hider. Anyway, I am now $ 40,000 in debt for that shit. When it was never what I wanted to do. The faith, for me, became another thing to hide behind. It was hijacked by my wounded, scared, insecure, ashamed self. I need time to heal from that dysfunctional relationship before I can come back to it. But I’m not worried. And I tell you what, neither is God. But I do want to make it clear, to all my friends from FUS and Catholic land. I’m not trying to say it was all bad. I’m just highlighting the unhealthiness of what my subconscious did. Lot’s of good came from my 20’s, and from being where I was that got me $40,000 in debt. Every single beautiful relationship, for example. You, my friends from that time, are worth every penny. I love you and thank you for being with me in my journey of life.
I read two awesome quotes recently, that really spoke to me: “Life is meant to be lived with excitement. Follow your passion. Let the moment be alive. The world is waiting for your joy.” The other quote is: “It is only by you being you that you will find authenticity in your life. Once you start living the authentic you, everything starts to fall into place in your life.” I just really think the authentic me is….outside. And in nature. Living simply. The life most of us live doesn’t make sense to me. Somehow it doesn’t compute. But touching the earth…I’m happiest there. And life makes more sense. And for a long time I chastised myself for that. I thought I was lazy and looking for a vacation. I felt like, “Bethany, wake the fuck up. You can’t expect to just freeload in life, and live your life outside! What are you, lazy and entitled or something?” But people DO. Maybe I can make a living that way too. I’m at least gunna try, dagnabbit. And no, you’re not lazy and entitled, sweet Bethany! Your favorite job in life so far has been hauling around 40-90 pounds of vegetables, and shoveling compost and raking soil into beds, dunking vegetables into water for hours on end, sometimes in below freezing temps! Building greenhouses and raised beds! That’s the thing – I love labor. I do. Hahahaaaaa!!! I remember driving in high school and looking down at my wrists and my hands on the steering wheel and thinking, “These hands were made for labor, for farmin’, for being a farmer’s wife.” – It’s amazing! I have always had this leaning….to nature, to simple and rustic living…and I never understood LA and OC or any other city or suburb for that matter. It’s just that I never knew how to listen to that proclivity in me, or understand what it meant. Or rather, these other voices were too loud telling me their own story of truth for me to hear.
Sooooooo!!! Actual point of the blog (besides telling you a story) is as follows!
This summer I have decided to pursue an interest of mine which, as you can see, I’ve pretty much always had, but didn’t understand because it was buried under a couple decades of shame, insecurities, fear, sadness, hopelessness, et-freakin-cetera. Only now do I have the courage, self-knowledge or self-possession to go for it. 31, you have been the hardest year of my life, and catapulted me in the greatest direction. 28, you did the same. 28 shot me off into the farm. 31 is shooting me off into the wilderness!
June 2014 I will be participating in a 3-month internship with an outdoor leadership and wilderness education company called Solid Rock Outdoor Ministries (SROM). There are three phases of the internship:
1) The first 10 days consist of an 80-hour course, where I will earn a certification as a Wilderness First Responder.
2) The 40/40 Expedition. 40 days and 40 nights where I will be a student, gaining skills and experience in backpacking, rock climbing, mountaineering, group dynamics and leadership. This will take place in Wyoming.
3) I transition from being a student to being an intern, shadowing instructors who are paid guides on different trips throughout the remainder of the summer. This will take me to places like the Rocky Mountains, the Grand Canyon, Yosemite or the Grand Tetons.
When I discovered the program I knew right away I wanted to do it. I had been looking up wilderness education programs for weeks last summer and almost gave up, figuring it was financially impossible. 80-90 day courses through programs like NOLS (National Outdoor Leadership School) are between $12,500 and $15,000. The SROM 40/40 Course & Internship is $6,350. It is a Christian ministry, interestingly enough, and even though I am primarily interested in the outdoor training and experience, this being the least expensive one, BY FAR, I just had to go for it. If anyone is familiar with Wyoming Catholic College, which has as requirements for graduation things such as: two 20 day backpacking trips, four 10 day trips, and equestrian experience (how amazing!), they use SROM guides to lead all their trips. So SROM has more to offer than just acquisition of wilderness skills. It is a values based program, with a focus on the symbolism and significance of “wilderness” in spiritual growth and formation, as well as a focus on authentic community, leadership development, the reward or risk, true education, and more great aspects.
Most important to me, however, it that it is a relationship oriented program, and this is preferable to me because the reason I am looking into outdoor education to begin with was because I wanted to become a qualified candidate to apply for wilderness therapy jobs. My experience teaching junior high and my immense love for those kids, my love for the outdoor work on the farm, the love for my recent adventures in Wilderness Travel Course through the Sierra Club, and my enjoyment of my current job as a case-worker at a court ordered placement group home for delinquent teen boys and my love for these boys as well, are all great indicators to me that this is not a pipe dream, and I can really make this happen.
And you know, it may not. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll end up working in the mail room of some company (which, oddly enough, believe it or not, has always been something I thought I’d like to do. Post Office work. Weird, I know.) But, all I see is what’s right in front of me – and this is a possibility that for the first time in my life I am believing in for myself and embracing and going for. And the thing is, I need help.
For three months I worked two jobs, seven days a week, and made myself a tight budget in order pay for the tuition and invest in the gear needed for this trip, which costs over $2,500. Adding this to the tuition cost resulted in quite the daunting number. Fortunately, SROM has scholarship availability, which I applied for. However, in order to apply for a scholarship one also has to fundraise (which is awkward). They even request a general copy of the letter being sent out and a list of who it’s being sent to. It’s more than humbling to ask people who I also know are themselves probably struggling financially, to contribute to something I dream of doing. I was working hard to get a good chunk of this paid for myself, but it’s been tricky… –> Even though I signed up for this last August, I decided in January that it was probably a smarter, wiser move for me to stop this “rolling stone” business and put down roots. But just a few weeks ago, life circumstances combined with my passion for personal growth and being true to myself, along with my passion for the wilderness brought about something. Remember that therapy session? The next day it just hit me – I had to do this. I emailed SROM that second and within minutes I heard back that, amazingly, although my spot was filled when I dropped out, someone had just dropped out days before; there was one spot, but they were interviewing someone for it tomorrow. I secured it right then, and it truly felt like it is the right move for my life.
I found out a couple days ago that I was awarded a scholarship for $2,540.00. I was so surprised at my reaction. I wept and wept and wept. I had woken up so worried that morning, that I was making a bad decision, I was just hiding again, this was unwise and I was a fool. I became so worried about the finances and it seemed impossible. I was afraid I would’t get a scholarship, and then shame came a’knocking at my door and I felt like I couldn’t possibly fundraise – I didn’t want to draw any attention to myself. This is just a flawed move – I don’t want anyone to see my flaws. Just like I never wanted anyone to see the flaws on my skin that was my rash. I had gone to bed happy and peaceful, and excited, thinking about SROM. But I woke up to so much anxiety in the morning. Then came the news of the scholarship, and I wept and wept and wept.
And something changed in me. I obviously don’t want to hide anymore. Here is my naked soul for all to read. I felt encouraged, emboldened on the right path. EVEN IF I END UP WORKING IN A MAILROOM. Who cares. This is what I am going for.
If you find within yourself a desire to contribute, anything will help. Seriously. Anything. In any case, thanks for reading, and hey, at least you got to catch up on me a little bit more. 🙂
Here’s the theme song of my life right now. It’s so beautiful. ENJOY!
Lots and lots of love to you!
Bethany Carreon
Eager For The Infinite 